Roadrunner Blogs | The Mail Bag

I sure don't want to after reading this first letter.

Hi Roadrunner,

I am writing to you because this is a last resort. I am trying to get in touch with Slipknot. The reason for this is that he could assist me in thanking my best friend who has done a gesture that is extra ordinary and as Slipknot is my friends' biggest idol, a thank you from him would make his day!

Recently I wanted to propose to my long time girlfriend but got loans rejected for the engagement ring. However my friend [redacted] stepped in and borrowed me the money. This is as unbelievable gesture as the amount for this is around $1,400 USD. I was wondering if the guys could write to Jonny via e-mail or record a short video just thanking him from me for everything he has done. He really deserves it.

This would be unbelievable but please try and get me in touch with the band.

Many thanks,

[redacted]

[redacted]...WHAT...THE...FUCK!?!

Why would you get a loan for an engagement ring? The engagement ring serves the two-fold purpose of being an outward display of your wealth and is a notice to other men that the woman wearing it is someone's property.

Clearly in the first case you're not wealthy. You had to get a loan in excess of $1400 bucks to purchase a ring which is ostensibly more pricey than that.

In the second case, if you're going to be so Medieval, why don't you stop fronting and just ask for a dowry. Really, your fiancee's family should pony up the cash for you to marry her, not the other way around.

---

Justin writes:
I WANT THAT FUCKIN GUITAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ENTERED THE FUCKING CONTEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

---

Our next writer...well...

Hello!
I am an experienced Registered Nurse wanting to FINALLY go after my DREAM job, which is to be a...

Private Nurse for Metal Bands who are Touring.

Think of Ozzy and the benefits he could be receiving, for instance.

I have an awesome professional resume....
plus, I am a bit of a MILF (son 18 has flown the nest), I'm single, FUN, and WOULD SERIOUSLY benefit any band who had any health needs.

Any suggestions on whom I should market my services to?

Thanks for any crumb you leave me ;)

Ellen

Does your son know you're such a whore? I mean, seriously, your letter reads exactly like a solicitation. I'd think it was just me, but you were the one to include the "mom I'd like to fuck" line. In fact, I thought your email was weird, not sluttish, until I got to that part.

But, since you asked, I have always had a bad back and could probably use your services.

---

Jason Alford writes:
Are visitors welcome at roadrunner? Im gonna be visiting NYC, always been a big fan of the label, it be cool to stop in and check it out, thanks.

Yes visitors are welcome, if those visitors are any of the following:

Lizzy Caplan
Bridget Regan (seriously, you should visit)
Katee Sackhoff & Tricia Helfer (only together)
Bjork
Alicia Witt
Penn or Teller (but not both at once)
Cobie Smulders
Mary Elizabeth Parker
Aimee Echo
Emily Haines
Maura Davis
Zooey Deschanel (I think I'm finding I like brunettes here)
Anyone from the Skeptic's Guide to the Universe
Allison Miller

I'll update this list periodically.

Share on Facebook