Q: What the fuck is going on here?
A: Infernal Combustion is a parody metal webzine. Every Monday we launch a new issue of stories intended for humorous consumption by metal fans with their heads out of their asses. We also publish album reviews.

Q: Didn't this site used to look a lot shittier?
A: We prefer the term 'differently envisioned and executed.' Infernal Combustion started in 1999 as a homemade venturefor kicks. In February 2003, founder Keith Bergman sold out to the big cheeses at Roadrunner Records, and the site you now see was born.

Q: Where are the old issues from 1999-2002?
A: While they live on in the hearts and minds of all of us (or at least the nine people who used to read the site), they are no longer online. They may (or may not) be compiled in book form later in the year (notice I didn't say WHICH year). Don't like it? Here's a refund, sunshine.

Q: I'm funnier than you. Can I submit my hilarious story or idea?
A: Please, God, no. While I'm sure your story is way funnier than the other 40-50 pieces of dogshit I have to delete every week, um, no. Copyright laws and our crack (smoking) legal team force us to deleted ALL unsolicited submissions, unread. Or, to steal the old comedians' standby, I don't come down to YOUR work and tell you how to suck dick, do I?

Q: I hate you, assholes! I want to put you in your place once and for all!
A: Oh, goody! Please feel free to email us your angriest hate mail. We love it! Keep in mind, though, all email sent to us becomes our property, and we reserve the right to post your ramblings, quote you brutally out of context, and otherwise make fun of your stupid ass.

Q: Are the CD reviews phony, too?
A: Nope, we actually mean those.

Q: Can I submit material for review?
A: Sure! No guarantees, but we'll see what we can do. Enclosing cash or nude photos of Doro Pesch always helps.

Infernal Keith
P.O. Box 141058
Toledo, OH 43614
USA

Q: I love fine print!! Do you have any?
A: Why, certainly! All entities mentioned on infernalcombustion.com are done so for satirical purposes only. No endorsement of infernalcombustion.com by these entities is expressed or implied. All news on infernalcombustion.com is fictional, for humorous parody purposes only, and any resemblance to real news is purely coincidental. Copyright of each article is retained by its author. Don't let the dog drink antifreeze, and keep avoiding wooden nickels and people with lots of scabs.

CREDITS:
Founder/Editor - Keith Bergman (keith@infernalcombustion.com) Contributors - Keith Bergman, Mark Tinta, Mahlon Orrin, Micah Shimborske
Site Design/Programming - Andrew Carpenter
Facilitator/Crack Procurer - Chris Misutka
Logo and Graphical Assistance - ToledoPops