From: Rikki Rockett

Joe, king of the power mullet, at this point you need to shut the fuck up! No more talkin' shit.
I'll give you a choice on how you go down. Arm bar, leg lock, shoulder lock, triangle, back choke or knock out. You pick! Let's get it on!

Rikki Rockett

Dear Rikki,

I'm pretty sure good ol' Joe could take you out without a problem. First off, he's kept it real while you've chosen to look like some kind of teeny bopper goof-off (I believe they call them tweens now).

Secondly, he's just a bigger badass than you are. Not only is there Def Leppard, but he's worked with a ton of great musicians. You played drums in Poison.

Thirdly, your solo album is called Glitter 4 Your Soul. Spell the fucking word!

Lastly, you were in FUCKING POISON! Did you know that "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" completely ruined my sexuality? I can only get off now if women wear those horrible bikini bottoms from the 80s and it's all because of that fucking video. YOU RUINED MY LIFE!

Yours,

Jeremy

From: Larry Morris

THE BAND DREAMING OF A NIGHTMARE ISNT SIGNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats a problem... check them out. heres their myspace http://www.myspace.com/dreamingofanightmaremusic and if you think thats good... you should see them live!

There's a good reason for that: the singer sounds like he learned to sing by listening to Queensryche albums with his fingers in his ears.

From: Guiye Frayo

Hi!

I am a Thereminist*  from Argentina living in London (with full work permit in the UK) since 15th March.
I am looking for jobs as sessionist (recording studio takes, live performances, etc.)

If you have any opportunitty or you wish to meet me please contact me at guiye@guiyefrayo.com or mobile: 07818 093148. (Ealing Common,
London)

(I am multiinstrumentalist, composer and singer too, for more details visit my web site at www.guiyefrayo.com)

Have a nice day!

Guiye


* Thereminist: Theremin Player.
    What is a Theremin? -->  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theremin

I know what a fucking theremin is. You're fired.

From: Decoo Stefaan

This is a letter to anyone who reads it there,

There were so many good bands back in the eighties, one in particular, apocrypha, they released 3 fantastic albums that are now out of print for years and never had the chance to be re-released. I searched the net and I found out that the albums were released on your label. The question is : is there a slight chance that they will be re-released again.
There are so many re releases these days but everyone seems to have forgotten the bands that started it all.

Hope to have a positive reaction,

Yours sincerely,

Decoo Stefaan

Stefaan,

I've been with Roadrunner for 21 years, and I've never heard of this band. You've reached the US company though, and we've usually handled our own productions, rather than licensing from other labels. Those records must have been licensed by our Dutch operation from other metal labels, and I'm sure the license has long since expired.

My god - these days music will just not die when it deserves to. No one knows about them for a reason - you are like a grave digger unearthing musical corpses. There are too many zombie bands as is, take that energy and find a new exciting band to spend your money on. New music is better than ever.

From: Anonymous Jerk

I preordered Slipknot's latest album from Best Buy and received an email from them with a code for a free download of "All Hope Is Gone". When I tried to download after entering the code XXXX, I was prompted "code incorrect". Bad joke!! I suppose ALL HOPE IS GONE FOR MY SUPPOSED FREE DOWNLOAD!!!!! Go fuck yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Anonymous,

Telling me to go fuck myself certainly inspires me to want to help you. Since I'm not a complete dick (unlike some people) I've attached a copy of the song for your enjoyment. Thank you for pre-ordering the album and have a nice day.

All the best,

Jeremy Rosen (<--not an asshole)

From: Dustin Barr

hey this is dustin barr i came to festival and saw dragon force perform it was awsome...they where so cool, funny and down to earth. it was a privilege seeing them perform. it was the very first concert i ever got to see and it was so awsome. but eney way my question is, is it at all possible to get a signed t shirt for my girl friend for her sweet 16. she means the world to me and i really want her to have something special for her 16Th, because she is deserves a special gift. and she doesn't really have much. she lives with her grandparents and her grandfather recently hurt his back and the Doctor said he he has sciatica(sorry for the spelling I'm not all that great at spelling) but he cant work now and her grandmother is having a hard time paying the bills especially because good for nothing uncle takes the cars and runs the gas out of them eats all the food and never pays them back...ya i don't know if they remember me but i was the one that they said lets act like where taking a shit and we all hunched over and took a picture, it world mean a lot to me and her(i don't think i told you but her name is Brittany bonomo and she is awsome lol) if you could reply to this it would be great but if you cant its OK i understand i know what its like. i play guitar in a band myself it gets frustrating but it must be 20 bazillion times harder i mean after all you guys are famous

Please resubmit your email in English.

Also, if she's able to have a Sweet 16 you're doing something wrong.

From: Matt Parker

To whom it may concern,
Not sure how to get to the right person, I am a metal drummer for hire with a long history of the music scene. I am very fluent in all of Sliknot's songs and have plenty of live experience. If interested in a resume let me know.

Thanks,
Matt Parker

Awesome Matt! You wrote in just in time. Here's Joey's mask, crown of thorns, and his over a decade of experience performing with Slipknot. Go get 'em tiger.

From: Todd

Shadowsreach is an upcoming band with various talents please feel free to check us out at www.myspace.com/shadowsreach1 let us know what you think! Rock on! Todd

Dear Todd,

Since you're not one of the many guys from bands who emails me and says "Hey, this is X from Awesome Band" as if I'm supposed to know who you are, I won't rag on your music here.

Instead, I'm going to tell you some cool things shadows can do.

Shadows can:
reach
conceal
cool
obscure
taste of lemons
recede
move

Please enjoy my list.

Best,

Jeremy

P.S. I hope one of your talents is aquabatics, because that would be cool.